It’s 1871 in the Galaxy of Kaza. A light lit up the dark dull night sky as it flew past bobbing boulders dogging them as they floated around like bubbles in the breeze. As it zoomed about the lights flickered on and off as if a ghost was standing at the light switch. All of a sudden the power went out and the GPS faded away and everyone stood in shock. Suddenly a geographic surge blasted through the the system and rebooted all programs but by the time the lights came on they where spiraling down to their death and gaining speed as they did. Nothing would stop them now and they would be lucky if they survived the crash. They ended up hitting a planet of some sort. The impact was so strong that it killed some of the travelers instantly but left the rest to suffer. As the remains of the ship caught alight the captain of the ship gained conciseness and looked about the deserted planet. Suddenly his eyes rolled back in his head and he started to choke. Within seconds he closed his eyes and Robin Jones was dead.
Its 1911 in the galaxy of Kaza. A light lit up the night sky. 12 dazzling balls of light glistened in the distance.
“We must be close men” said Alex Jones “we just passed through the ozone layer of the planet”. All 13 men on the ship zipped up there safety suits and got ready to land. As the ship touched land every one sighed with relief “brace yourselves men, this could be dangerous” said captain Alex Jones. Men had made it to this planet before us but it was not very successful and unfortunately they didn't make it back.
Robin Jones was the brother of Alex and he was the captain of the other mission and that was one of the reasons that Alex wanted to come to this planet he was hoping that he would find his brother. As the group of men walked out of the ship they looked around at the dark lifeless planet. It seemed to be blue and sandy. Suddenly they heard a scream so loud that it could deafen you if you got to close. As they turned around, they saw a sea of blue creatures. They came closer and closer until they had surrounded the men that where all standing in shock. As they closed in on the men they bought out swords and spears and ended the lives of those 13 men. The creatures carried them into a secret underground cave, lit up by grass torches that where lined upon the walls. As they entered a rounded room, with a glowing pool in the center, the blue Warriors dropped the still bodies into the pool and sang a chant in a different language. As the song was sung a gray stone with white lines that looked like they where carelessly wiped through the stone, rose from the pool and shone in the darkness of the little cave. They bodies then soon disappeared and had been sent toward the sky. The 13 men joined as stars in the sky along with the 12 that died in 187. The souls of the Jones brothers where reunited after all those years apart. To this day they sparkle in the night sky, and all the dead that die on the planet get sent to live with the stars.

Beautiful visual imagery in your story, Julia. You are a very talented writer! Keep up the awesome work!
ReplyDeleteHi Julia
ReplyDeleteI so enjoyed your writing! I didn't want it to end!
I really liked the way you used imagery to capture the boulders floating around in space - I feel like I can see them just hanging there with the ship buzzing around them. As I read the first paragraph I wondered if you could play with some of the sentences to make them more short and sharp to build the tension a little more - for example, when something is happening suddenly, having shorter sentences can make the reader read more quickly and change their sense of the pace of the story. What do you reckon???
Looking forward to reading more of your writing!
Toni Twiss
Hi Julia, what an amazing writer you are! I really had a picture in my head of what you were describing the whole time I read. This is the "mark" of a great author...well done. Have you thought about writing numbers as words in your story. For example, "twelve dazzling balls" instead of 12? Corrinne Devitt
ReplyDeleteJulia you are writing really well. I can build a picture in my mind from reading your descriptive writing. Would you be able to come and read your work to my class. I am sure they would enjoy listening to your story. Mrs Meys.
ReplyDeleteWow Julia!
ReplyDelete-Mr.E
Fantastic Julia. You have used great descriptive language that pulls the reader in. I like the way you have structured your sentences. They are easy to read.
ReplyDeleteAwesome!
Mr W
Thanks everyone for the great advise and comments. I will use the advise for other stories in the future.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie. You were a great writer when you were in Room 5 and now I am very glad to see that you have developed into an excellent writer. I really enjoyed your use of adjectives, different ways of starting a sentence and your well thought out ending. I was able to form a very clear picture in my head of the travellers to the planet and the blue aliens living there. Very well done indeed. Mrs R
ReplyDelete